Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Autopilot

I got up bright and early this morning to do my long-ish run for the week.  Hubby is heading out of town tomorrow and I'm doing a 5K race on Saturday (my usual long day).  If I wanted to get a long run in, it had to be today!  The alarm went off at 5:15.  Despite going to bed early last night, I didn't feel very rested.  That seems to happen to me a lot before a long run, or really whenever I know I'll be running a new route.  Weird?  So I headed out on a familiar route, one that I ran many times during my marathon training.  The dingo knows it by heart. And thank goodness he does, because I was on complete autopilot.  I thought it was going to be colder than it was, so I was bundled up and ready!  Each mile ticked by more smoothly than the last.  I didn't look at my watch once or even stop it for our dingo stops (coincedentally, poor Cooper has thrown up more on this route than any other one....I wonder what the deal is?) and traffic lights.  I was just in the zone and before I knew it, 8 miles had whisked by and I was on the homestretch.  It's days like this that I love running!  No aches, no pains, no general annoyances.  No worrying about my pace or if I'm working hard enough.  Just running. 

You see, I have some major guilt about my running.  I never feel like I'm running hard enough or long enough.  Reading through this month's Runner's World was completely deflating.  Just when I think I'm okay with my workout routine, I see that really..... it's not good enough.  I'm a slacker because I only run 3 days a week.  I'm a slacker because I never do speed work.  I'm a slacker because I have no desire to do trail runs or a speedy 5K.  I feel like I'm an imposter of a runner and I desperately need to make peace with myself.  People with more responsibility and less time do more than what I do.  When it comess down to it, I settle for mediocre....and maybe that's okay, but the voices in my head tell me to do more, work harder.  This morning I was able to shut them off and it was GREAT!  I'm not really sure what all this means....I just know I'm really conflicted.  Perhaps if the scale were moving in the right direction I'd be less conflicted, but until then... the voices will continue.

6 comments:

Marlene said...

Great job getting up and getting out there in the dark & cold morning.

If there is one thing I have learned, it is NOT to compare myself to other runners. Everyone is different. People have different strengths, weaknesses, abilities, challenges, bodies, lives, etc. In one way or another, we'll never measure up. You're doing awesome and don't doubt that!

Lisa said...

Congrats on a great run... I envy you.

I agree with Marlene. Run to satisfy yourself and not anyone else or to be like anyone else. I don't run 5ks to be faster than other people, rather I run them to try and beat MY time. I'll never run 8 minute miles but I'm happy just making progress and seeing my 10 minute miles get faster and faster.

trifitmom said...

i always feel that way about not doing enough. i usually do 3 miles on treadmill twice a week and that has been it. i am finally going to start running more days and incorporate some speedwork ....soon...i think

TMB said...

sounds like a great run ... don't harp on yourself about not being an "ideal" runner ... run in a way that makes you happy. That's all that matters!

Rookie on the Run said...

Nice run! I often feel like a running impostor, too. Mostly because I am SO slow! Also because it seems like I spend too much time having to recover from injuries. Maybe a lot of us runners feel like we aren't living up to the ideal standard.

I do know that if you wake up at 5:15 in the morning to go out into the cold and do 8.5 miles, you are a committed athlete... a real runner!

Jenn said...

D*mn voices! Do what's right for you. Glad you had a great run!!